My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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