it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
