I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize