why didn't you poke me back
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
