I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize