When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
