Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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