there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
