Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
