Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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