I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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