Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
