Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
