i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
