Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
