saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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