i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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