I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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