shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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