They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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