I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
