She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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