Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
