Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
