oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
