I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
