My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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