I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i think i have herpe
just one?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize