It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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