That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
