whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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