I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
