Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My cat gives me a boner
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
cat food counts as protein by the way
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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