I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
