Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
