Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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