today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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