Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Randomize
