were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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