so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
