How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
