what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
