I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I wear drunk well.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
