I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
