So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
