I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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