I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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