i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
