All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
