My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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