you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
