if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
