I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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