I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize