Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
