You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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