last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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