my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
