I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
