Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
