remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Porn is love you can see.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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