And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
