Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
