i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
