mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
